Being a BIPOC woman in a PWI felt a lot like being the last pick in gym class—you know, in middle school when they are picking teams for a competitive game of dodgeball. You are standing there shaking in your sour-smelling pinnie that the gym teacher claimed to wash but we knew, we all knew. The team captains overlook you because they need someone fast, fit, and full of energy. That is the feeling I had while pursuing my graduate degree, the feeling of being less than even though we all deserved a spot in that class. While I have many examples of feeling like the last pick, I want to tell you about a few that have stuck with me and informed my career choices.

“When I gave my input, people were barely paying attention to me, and the scribe moved on without writing my idea down. ”

During my program it was common that no one would want to sit next to me, or partner with me for an assignment. I remember sitting in a class where the desks were arranged in a U shape. There was an empty seat directly to my left, and an empty seat a few seats down from that one. A white female classmate entered the room, stood in the middle of the U, literally thinking out loud about where she should sit, looking at me, looking at the other person who was white, and then back at me. She chose to sit next to me but I could tell it was out of pity. Did it really require that much drama? I let out a sigh. The professor could tell that I was uncomfortable, and his idea of a quick fix was pairing us up to discuss the homework.

I also felt unheard in group projects. I particularly remember a group project where the scribe would write members’ ideas on the board. When I gave my input, people were barely paying attention to me, and the scribe moved on without writing my idea down. I was blatantly ignored by my white group members, and the one Black group member betrayed me in that moment.

“While discouraging at times, my experiences ultimately gave me insight on what toxic work environments look like and how I cannot thrive in them. But how could anyone?”

Don’t even get me started on field placements. Let’s start with my white field advisor who told my supervisor with full confidence, while I was sitting right next to her, that I would be less competent at the completion of my degree on the accelerated track than my two-year track counterparts. At my public-school internship, the white teachers and staff would pretend not to see me in the staircase and hallway, just to avoid a smile or a greeting. They continued this avoidance in the common room during staff lunch time and during interdisciplinary meetings. While discouraging at times, my experiences ultimately gave me insight on what toxic work environments look like and how I cannot thrive in them. But how could anyone?

I can say without a doubt that my graduate school experience at a PWI will shape my future career choices.